Chris' Original Blogbeque

A fresh, vinegar-based examination of life

Revenge of the Babysat

C: I don’t understand how Santa runs his operation. How can he afford to give toys away?

How does he pay for the raw materials he uses to make the toys? How does he pay his elves?

There’s no income to cover his costs. How does he do it?

H: Deficit spending, I guess.
C: Sure, but sooner or later it’s going to catch up to him, and then where will I be?!

C: It snowed last night! Turn on the radio! Maybe they closed school!

Maybe the school buses all froze up! Maybe the principal can’t get out of his driveway!

M: Get dressed, Calvin. It only snowed an inch.

C: Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery.

C: I’m freezing! Why do we keep this house so darn cold?!

Crank up the thermostat and build a fire, will ya?
D: I have a better idea. C’mere.

Ok, step outside.
C: Why? What’s outside?

D: In a few minutes you can come in, and then the house will seem nice and warm.
C: I’m telling the newspapers about you, Dad!

C: Shovel, Shovel, Shovel!

C: Why can’t we get a snow blower?? We must be the only family in the world that still shovels the driveway by hand! I’m freezing!

D: It builds character. Keep at it.

C: Pretty convenient how every time I build character, he saves a couple hundred dollars.

C: This is the finest snowball ever made!

C: Painstakingly handcrafted into a perfect sphere from a secret mixture of slush, ice, dirt, debris, and fine powder snow, this is the ultimate winter weapon!

C: Yes, this marvel of crystalline engineering wi.. WHAP! (Calvin is blasted from behind with a snowball).

H: Another casualty of the seduction of art.

C: Get a load of this dumb assignment! I’m supposed to write about an adventure I’ve had!

C: I haven’t had any adventures! My life has been one big bore from the beginning!

C: Have I ever been abducted by pirates? Have I ever faced down a charging rhino? Have I ever been in a shoot-out, or on a bombing raid? No! I never get to have adventures!

H: What about the time you backed the car through the garage door?
C: You call that an adventure? I didn’t even get on the highway.

Calvin and Hobbes are in woods, C complains that he’s not having enough fun. They start running around and H says, “I didn’t realize fun was so much work” and C replies “Sure! When you’re serious about having fun, it’s not much fun at all!”

C: I’ve been thinking. Suppose I grow up to be one of the world’s greatest men of all time. Suppose my name will be an inspiration to humanity for eons to come!

What will the history books say? They’ll say, “much of his childhood was spent unwillingly in the bathtub.”

What an indignity this bath is! Is this situation worthy of one of the greatest men of all time?!?

My likely historical significance is a terrible burden.
H: Would you rather they said your childhood was dirty and smelly?

C: Look at all these ants.

They’re all running like mad, working tirelessly all day, never stopping, never resting.

And for what? To build a tiny little hill of sand that could be wiped out at any moment! All their work could be for nothing, and yet they keep on building, they never give up!

H: I suppose there’s a lesson in that.
C: Yeah… ants are morons. Let’s see what’s on tv.

Calvin’s mother’s day card that asks for more allowance

C: Hi, Hobbes! Whatcha doin’?
H: Nothing.

C: Nothing at all?
H: Nope.

C: I’ll help.
H: Please do.

Calvin thinks life should be more like tv and tells what that would be like.

Calvin is playing with a yo-yo for several frames and becomes very frustrated. Finally, he says “I can’t imagine mastering the skills involved here without a clearer understanding of who’s going to be impressed.”

M: Calvin, will you gather the trash, please?

C: Gather the trash?!? What am I, your personal slave?! Why can’t you do it?

M: Fine, I will. And you can start washing your own clothes, and fixing your own meals, and picking up your own toys, and making your own bed, and cleaning up your own messes, day after day after day!

C: Some women just weren’t meant to be mothers.


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